Dear Gunston Community:

As I watched our students present their Unity Day assembly last week, I was reminded of a conversation I had with my mother—a 40-year elementary school teaching veteran—about parenting during my high school years. "Social life in high school is hard for kids," she said, "and I felt like I was sending you off to war every day." Though I attended a good public school, enjoyed a good set of friends, and suffered only minor social crises in high school, I was struck by this strong military metaphor. Yet upon reflection, there is a startling linguistic alignment between how we often describe social life and military combat: "getting wounded," "caught in the crossfire," "keeping your head down," "staying safe", "having a fight", and the list goes on—showdown, belligerent, quarrel, allies, enemies, peacekeeping, loyalty, mayhem…

Among the many battlefields of high school social life, I can confidently attest that Gunston maintains a uniquely peaceful, healthy, and civilized student social culture, and it is one of our school's most treasured values. Despite this, Gunston students are not immune to social conflict and there are high-intensity moments during every student's career when this conflict causes stress and pressure. In recent years as a society, we have become much more attuned to the harm that prolonged and pervasive social conflict can cause, and with the rise of bullying awareness, there is a universal recognition that schools must intervene assertively to mitigate incidents of both social conflict and bullying. 

Yet what is the difference between social conflict and bullying?

In her recent (and brilliant) book  "Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood" (Ballantine, 2016) the clinical psychologist Lisa Damour offers what I consider to be the most insightful discussion about the differences between social conflict and bullying, and she shares how adults might best respond when they occur. High school, she emphasizes, is the time in human development when social belonging is of paramount importance. Students must "find their tribe", and any small shift in "tribal loyalty" as a result of social conflict can create "stunningly intense" emotional distress. She also notes that this distress is, in most cases, normal:

Most of the friction between teens—and people of all other ages as well—constitutes conflict. Conflict is the common cold of human interaction: we don't like it, we can't cure it, and we just have to live with it. When humans spend time with other humans, we come into conflict with one another (and get colds).

When students get into conflict, Damour writes, it is important for adults to tread carefully as we guide them to develop three essential skills necessary for adulthood: 1) preventing social conflict, 2) productively managing and defusing social conflict, and 3) resiliently moving beyond social conflict after it has occurred. 

At Gunston, there are multiple ways we support students in these efforts. Our Responsibilities of the Community values, coupled with high behavioral expectations clearly define what is acceptable in regard to the treatment of others. Our curriculum offers numerous outlets for reflecting upon issues of social justice, equity, and inclusion. Our advisor system and the Gunston Experience course promote honest and safe conversations about the complex and shifting nature of friendships and relationships. Our athletics program, coupled with diverse music, drama, arts, and club offerings create group camaraderie and purpose, and offer a multitude of diverse "peer havens". Our student-led diversity leadership and mental health awareness groups create "pro-social" programming throughout the year, including our recent Unity Day. And finally, in situations where more comprehensive professional intervention is necessary, we partner with local mental health professionals.

For parents, there are a number of strategies that Dr. Damour (and Gunston) recommend to support students as they navigate the thicket of high school social life:  

1.  As adults, it's important to pause before "rushing in" to solve social conflict, as this can miss an opportunity to build students' social problem-solving, assertiveness, and resiliency skills. Dr. Damour writes, "Nodding and asking genuine questions about your child's view of the situation can go a long way to helping develop their thinking about how peers should treat one another...long story short, the success of these conversations depends as much on what you don't say as it does on what you do say." In terms of metaphor, think coach, not cop. 
2. Remember that teaching and learning social assertiveness takes time. "The first step," Damour writes, "involves acknowledging and validating...negative feelings."  Often the most fertile time for assertiveness coaching is several days after a conflict. Once the initial pain of a negative social interaction abates, Dr. Damour recommends gently role playing with a child how they might more assertively and appropriately respond in future situations.
3. Although we don't want to "rush in" to solve student-to-student conflicts, it is important to alert the school when a conflict might need monitoring. At Gunston, we are deeply invested in defusing social stressors, and often these early alerts help us to gently and pro-actively address the conflict before it escalates.
4. In regard to social media, Dr. Damour recommends that your social media expectations for your children mirror your expectations regarding other forms of social interaction. It goes without saying that social media can compound social conflict, and with apps like Snapchat, it can be very hard to monitor. Yet recent research shows that online behavior mirrors offline behavior, so although social media can compound the worst elements of high school social life, it can also support the best elements as well.
5. Be comfortable with discomfort. Like most parents, my "Papa Bear" instincts are strong, and it takes tremendous effort not to aggressively step in when I see my own child enduring the effects of social conflict. Dr. Damour notes that when our kids are uncomfortable, parents inevitably become uncomfortable. Yet our own calm during the social storm is necessary to help our children develop stronger resilience skills.
6. Remember that a single (or sometimes even several) unkind or mean act(s) does not mean that a child is a bully or is being bullied; typically it means that a child needs a strong reminder about our community expectations (sometimes with a consequence) as a way to reinforce appropriate social problem solving.
7. Remember that we cannot choose our children's friends, and the formation of friendship "tribes" is normal and healthy. As Damour writes, "It's unrealistic for parents to try to prevent (or create) an adolescent friendship given that they don't actually have the power to monitor and control every aspect of a teenager's social life."
8. Gunston's advisory system is built to support students through their tribal mapmaking. If your child is on the outside of a friendship group, this is a prime time to connect with your child's advisor. Sometimes we can offer insights and strategies on how to help connect a student to a different "tribe". As I mention during new parent orientation, you know your child, but schools know children, and usually our guidance can be extremely helpful.
9. Never forget how hard social life can be for high school students, even at a school like Gunston. Each day, I marvel at the way our students create deeply meaningful friendship groups, while remaining civil and friendly to those who might not be inside their "tribe".
10. Finally, Gunston's philosophy recognizes the "fallibility of adolescence", so we recognize that students can, at times, be unkind to one another. Gunston believes our job is to address student behavior or behaviors as they occur, and assign consequences consistent with their actions. In most cases, "restorative justice" is the most effective educational response—which may include a significant consequence—but an immediate and outright dismissal for unkind behavior (even very unkind) is a rare sanction. 

While the above advice relates to helping high school students manage normal social conflict, Damour wisely notes, "Sometimes tribes need elders." Here is a brief guide for when parents and the school need to step in: 

1. If your child has NO friends, or has NO access to comfortable peer group interaction, we need to strategize. Here, the school can be a helpful and creative partner.
2. If there is a concern that a child might harm themselves, or others, the school needs to be alerted. These are situations where outside professional intervention is typically necessary.
3. There are times when a group of students becomes enmeshed in a complicated social conflict that may not rise the level of bullying, but students nonetheless get caught in an unhealthy dynamic of escalating meannesses that define their day-to-day experience. When it becomes clear that the students cannot work through this dynamic without adult intervention, it is time to step in.
4. Finally, the school intervenes aggressively when a child is either being bullied, or acting as a bully. Using her earlier metaphor about the common cold, here is what Damour says about bullying:

Bullying...has more in common with pneumonia. Bullying is serious and potentially dangerous, and it needs to be treated aggressively. But our culture's preoccupation with bullying has led to its overdiagnosis...and misdiagnosis leads to improper treatment….Of course, treating bullying as if it were everyday conflict is the equivalent of misdiagnosing pneumonia as a common cold—left untreated, the situation can reach critical proportions.

In our experience bullying is a rare event, but when it occurs, we respond systematically and assertively. Bullying is classically defined as behavior that is 1) repeated, 2) targeted, 3) aggressive and cruel, and 4) involves a substantial power imbalance between the bully and the victim. Absent these four distinct qualities, we are typically dealing with a different "disease."

Perhaps the most important element associated with bullying is the power imbalance.  Although social conflict can be mean (sometimes viciously so), if there is give-and-take, and students are attacking and retaliating (there's the war imagery again!), it is not typically defined as bullying. In all cases of bullying, however, Gunston's standard response is: 1) to name it as such, 2) to set clear expectations and consequences for future bullying actions, and 3) to reinforce those expectations and consequences if the behavior does not cease.

At Gunston, it is impressive how well students treat each other, adults, and visitors. I believe that the primary reason we have this culture is because we recognize perhaps the most important truth about high school life: it's not the adults who most effectively own and reinforce the culture in the school, it's the students themselves. We should take great pride in our students for maintaining this environment, while also reminding them how unique, important, and fragile such a culture can be.

I strongly recommend Damour's book, as well as a few others like Michael Thompson's "Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys" (Ballantine, 1999), Emily Bazelton's "Sticks and Stones" (Random House, 2013) and Rosalind Wiseman's two books "Masterminds and Wingmen: Helping Our Boys Cope with Schoolyard Power, Locker Room Tests, Girlfriends and the New Rules of Boy World" and her "Queen Bees & Wannabes."

Let me thank you for taking the time to read this letter, and we appreciate your strong and ongoing support of Gunston.

Warm Regards,

John Lewis, Headmaster